FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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