oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
