I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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