Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
