So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
