You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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