The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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