I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
