There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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