So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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