I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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