dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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