dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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