I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
