I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
