The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
handjob tips. give me some.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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