I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
