Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
