I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
