i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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