I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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