As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
