So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
