I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
