you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All the doctor said was why
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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