Sober January is a disaster.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
