I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
