sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I want to fling myself into the sun
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
