Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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