OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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