I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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