I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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