The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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