all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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