I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
