you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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