I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
