there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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