Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
