Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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