I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
