i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
