Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
