I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
