Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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