I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
