Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
how does that bad decision feel?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
