STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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