he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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