The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
